Just like everyone else in this roly-poly country, I made it my mission to consider creating for myself a stricter diet, with a deep possibility of actually going to the gym. These already-broken promises are sitting the bottom of my trash can, underneath an ice cream tub lid, licked clean.

It happens every year, and it happens to so many of us. It’s the idea of creating a positive change, and then saying, “screw it, I’m gonna chug this beer after ripping spicy chicken flesh off a bone. It’s cool – I’m watching sports.” Before you know it, you realize that you’ve actually accomplished the complete opposite – added some el-bee’s, raised your blood pressure, and shoveled out the extra cash for new belts.

I call it: Cryeting.

Eating and weeping has been around for a millennia, and the number-one symptom of both rejection and boredom.

Eating and weeping has been around for a millennia, and the number-one symptom of both rejection and boredom.

Put yourself in this scenario (for some of you, I’ll add “again”): you recognize that the cravings you’ve been having aren’t normal, nor are you pregnant with child. You’ve resolved the fact that your recycling bin has at least 6 too many Girl Scout cookie boxes. Maybe the boxes have been torn to shreds in excitement.

So, you do a little research on the latest exercise trends. Maybe some P90X, with a kickstart from Herbalife? Or, maybe just jump right into the crossfit community, and every status from here on out will have to do with crossfit. Anyway, you decide on a new daily routine, and for once, you’re excited. There’s a brand new day on that horizon, goddamnit, and you’re gonna greet it with a hearty-

Bacon, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s. Wait, what? But, you haven’t even been to McDonald’s in over a year, since after that party where the guy had to be taken in an ambulance covered in Fireball whiskey. It’s cool, it’s just one sand-

Two? When the shit did you order two sandwiches? Was it hiding behind the-

Large chocolate shake. Cool. Neat. Didn’t even know they did milkshakes at 9 am. Now you know. Alright, after this meal, that’s when the diet begins.

Right after next week’s meal.

Yep, just getting ready after the Super Bowl. I mean, come on, it’s the Super Bowl. Who diets during the Super Bowl? Not you. You’re an American, with freedoms. Miley was right. You can be free to diet whenever the hell you want, eat Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos whenever you want, and sob openly in public whenever you want.

Go ahead. Weep deeply into your hands. Why hold onto pride when you can stomp it into submission with your own tears?

Go ahead. Weep deeply into your hands. Why hold onto pride when you can stomp it into submission with your own tears?

And that about sums up what Cryeting is. Creating a diet, getting ready to start it, and then just jumping right the hell into the polar opposite. It’s like our bodies are subconsciously told that winter is coming, so we go into squirrel mode and just start hoarding everything within reach…inside our stomachs.

It’s the absolute worst thing to complain about, too, because it’s so effed up to say to someone else, “man, I’m struggling to do any physical activity because I’d rather stuff my greasy face full of sweet, sweet chemicals.” Only in this country will there ever be a disease for people being TOO RICH AND IRRESPONSIBLE. (Note: for that last link, I’d absolutely send it to an article for the kid that killed four people, but when I looked up this term, I saw this Geocities-style PBS site that me giggle.)

I’ll leave it with this: sometimes making a plan is the absolute worst thing you could do to a plan. The stress of forcing yourself to stick to a strict regiment, consisting of quantifiable hard work and dedication, can serve as a deterrent. Strong motivation needs to come before those arms and legs start doin’ sets, and reps, and all those other terms I see people use on the YouTubes videos about the workings outs.

Who else is in Cryeting mode? And how do you plan on getting the hell out?