As 2013 comes to a close, I’m reminded by constant commercials for gyms that it’s high time to start planning out my “New Years Resolutions.” This is the age-old process of creating a list of achievable goals, then deciding halfway through February that I could use the back of the paper as an area to doodle a picture of me high-fiving Jesus on a surfboard, and then ultimately forgetting that I had a list to begin with.
Every year has the same results – I make a promise to myself that “things are gonna change ’round here,” and the promise fades out quicker than Michael Cera’s career (full of goddamn zingers today).
Well, I came up with an idea. See, every year, I make one or two resolutions to follow. I figure “the less I have to remember, the better the chance I have of completing it.” Nope. I get lazy and underwhelmed. So this year, my list is gonna be an assload of resolutions. If I compile a hefty list, I’ll feel like it’s a necessity to just get it done as soon as possible.
Secondly, I also have a history of creating unrealistic goals. Here’s an example. A couple years back, 21-year-old me thought “learn an instrument to a proficient level” would come naturally. He’ll, how hard could guitar be? I learned 12 chords, “Wonderwall”, and that’s about it. Now my poor guitar is in the same closet where I keep my old college dorm papers. My goals need to be realistic enough to accomplish, but not so simple that I don’t over-inflate my self worth by the end.
So here’s my experimental run at the year 2014. Maybe putting it on the Internet will keep me accountable or something.
1) Replace the time that I usually surf Netflix with a form of exercise. Allow Sam to take up that duty in my absence.
I blame Netflix for making me as fat as I am today. Definitely has nothing to do with self control.
2) Eat 25% less of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos.
I blame Doritos for… Also making me as fat as I am.
3) Eat 25% more vegetables as “snacks” (avoiding screaming obscenities at the guy who created the ranch veggie dip… seriously, why the hell is it thicker than a Greek yogurt…)
How can people pretend this shit is edible?
4) Write a letter to my local paper’s “sound off your opinions” section, under a pseudonym, and complain about something extremely unimportant. Like why snack foods keep changing their label design.
“The government moved my pretzels. When are we gonna fight for freedoms?”
5) Write a letter to Will Ferrell, asking him to make a sequel to Bewitched. Since he obviously doesn’t care about his career anymore.
If Anchorman 2 was any indication, everybody should prepare for Night at the Roxbury 2: The Roxburying. And shit, I’d actually watch that.
6) Find a legitimate talent agency to see if they will work with a partially-trained actor. Who is only free after 5 or on weekends.
“We have an opening as a dancing mattress outside a Sealy’s store. Great experience!”
7) Legally change my name to Chet Steadman. If not possible, change my shipping name for Amazon to Chet Steadman.
Gary Busey has been in over 100 films, and is the craziest man in Hollywood. He is my inspiration.
8) Get into a heated argument with a stranger regarding a current event. Bring up terrible points and go off in as many tangents as possible.
“Obamacare? You mean the socialist registration for taking away our guns!”
9) Listen to an entire audio book narrated by Morgan Freeman. Recommend audio book over regular book to every book nerd I know.
Rest in Peace, Nelson Man-…wait…ah, damnit.
10) Try not to look up an actor on IMDB during a movie.
IMDB: The Guy From That Thing You Watched 3 Years Ago.
11) Try not to announce to the room the entire filmography of said actor.
“Hey folks, see that white guy next to the black guy? He was also in ‘Troll 2’.”
12) Read more books. Pretend like the Internet is down or something. Just read more. No. Put down the laptop. Put it down. Now grab the book. Open the front page. Good boy.
My library consists of 1000 books, in which I read 14 of them. I’m pathetic.
13) Come up with a catchphrase. Use it until it catches on or until people stop talking to me.
“That’s the way the turd splashes!”
14) Take a day to hop on a train to anywhere, and just go exploring. As long as I hide my valuables in my shoes/hat/butt, I should be fine.
I can also bring a ton of random children!
15) Eat an entire cake by myself. Not just a small birthday cake. I’m talking either a wedding cake or a sheet cake.
Buttercream red velvet cake? Needing a new pair of pants for multiple reasons!
16) Drink an entire gallon of lemonade in one sitting. Preferably during and after the cake.
Lemons, water, and sugar. The way the Lord intended lemons to be used.
17) Get tested for diabetes and heart conditions. When you’re found negative for both, repeat 15 and 16 out of spite.
Wilford Brimley, eat your goddamn heart out. As long as your heart isn’t sugary.
18) Create an Excel spreadsheet of all my finances, so I can have one more important fact sheet to ignore when I buy that trampoline in May.
I will never be too old to jump for the skies. Except when I’m 90 and carrying a colostomy bag.
19) Order a pizza for the neighbor who had to deal with my car being outside his house all weekend. Pay for it, and leave a note saying “never forget.” Let him figure it out.
“Got a pizza here for Mr. Huge Asshole.”
20) Stop combining words with other words to make new words. It’s not clever. It’s not funny. I’m starting to get stares.
21) Visit 3+ museums around the city wearing a beret and glasses. Attempt to tell strangers what each painting means, by comparing each one to Andy Warhol’s Campbells Soup Can.
“You think THIS is art? Do you not like soup, then?”
22) Go hiking with nothing but a backpack filled with Fiber One bars and Gatorade. Show those Charmin bears who’s boss.
Save a roll for me, boys. I’m on my way.
23) Watch every Saturday Night Live movie from start to finish, and weep openly every time Chris Farley is on screen.
He had sex with an alien wearing a wreath. Goodnight, sweet prince.
24) Start lifting weights again. Not to, like, you know, get buff. But to be able to carry groceries upstairs without needing to check my pulse.
I miss the days when 3 bags of groceries were easy. I also miss the days when I didn’t have to carry shit.
25) Give Downton Abbey another chance. Then give it a third chance after I fall asleep during all the average dialogueI with their only selling point – famous British people.
Brilliant actress. Brilliant role. But I’m drowning in tears of boredom and hating everyone who actually thinks these characters are worth investing in.
26) Find out how scrapple is made, immediately want to go vegan, wait one week, and start eating scrapple again. Repeat with every other meat product.
Made with pig farts? I’ll take 12.
27) Get a video camera and start filming all the sketches I wrote over the past year. Put it in YouTube. Read all the comments. Give up on doing anything.
Make sure it isn’t porn this time. That…got awkward before…
28) Research how to make my own alcohol, and create my own moonshine business. Become Steve Buscemi. Start a turf war.
Bathtub alcohol is best alcohol.
29) Find a new apartment large enough to hold a themed party. Make the theme for “Heavyweights”. Essentially have everyone watch Heavyweights on repeat while drinking every time anyone says “fat.”
Josh Burnbaum, get on the scale! …Get off the scale.
30) Keep writing in this blog daily, and stop second-guessing everything about it. It’s fine. It gets the job done. Stop worrying. Seriously. Stop it.
I wish people would ask me about my blog unironically…
Well that’s about it. Hopefully I can do all of these by March. I have some long-awaited procrastinatin’ to do.
What are your resolutions for this year? Tell me in the comments section!