Hey, y’all. I’m sorry for the tardiness in my blogs lately. The holiday season does something to me that no one else could ever possibly understand – there’s a lot of stress, anxiety, and mental preparation to deal with.

Oh. Wait. I forgot. That happens to EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS EVER CELEBRATED ANY SINGLE FRIGGIN’ HOLIDAY. That’s right. Guess I’m not so special in that regard. Well, then, good. That means you all can empathize with the plights of a madman.

I was feeling a little down today, what with the current condition my bank account has been in, and not being able to give people things that I wanna give them. I don’t know. It’s been a weird couple of months. And an even weirder year. So I wrote a poem to express exactly what’s on my mind.


‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the duplex
Not a creature was stirring
Except for neighbors…having sex.

I set up my kitchen
For all the cookies to bake
Since I am humble and broke
And each gift I must make.

The sugar, the butter
Vanilla extract and flour
Stirred ’round and around
With all of my power.

The dough was perfection
I giggled with glee
I imagined reactions,
“Jesus, a whole dozen for ME?!”

Each ball of dough
Was carefully measured
And each chocolate chip
Was tearfully treasured.

With the oven preheated
And the pans heartily sprayed
I popped in each sheet
And for perfect cookies I prayed.

When 8 minutes past
The cookies completed
And my eyes glazed over
As happiness depleted.

The cookies were burnt
They were flat and disgusting
The edges were blackened
And already crusting.

I threw both the pans
Right into my sink
And then, worse of all,
I started to think.

I thought of these gifts
The only things I could share
To the people I love
It wasn’t damn fair.

This year has been tough
I had a lot of support
All I wanted this year
Was to avoid falling short.

I couldn’t buy gifts
And I couldn’t bake snacks
For the people who cared
Who always, always, had my back.

I started to tear up
I wanted to scream
This couldn’t be happening
It must be a dream.

But I took a deep breath
And started to write
A note to my friends
For the rest of the night.

I told them I’m sorry
This year all I had
Was a handshake, a hug,
And reasons to be glad.

I’m glad for their love
I’m glad for their care
I’m glad that they always
And forever been there.

I’d love to give more
But this year would be less
And I hoped that they knew
How much I felt blessed.

And in time I’d like
To buy them a round
For sharing their love
For being around.

So next year, I promise
To give more and more
To show you exactly
What the season is for.

Merry Christmas to you
And Happy Holidays as well
Here’s to a new year
Avoiding burnt cookie hell.


Yeah, that poem will probably never end up published. But gimme a break. It’s, like, 2:30 AM, and I’m still covered in flour and shame.

Merry Christmas, my friends, and happy holidays all around. Here’s to another week of 2013, and a fresh start on breaking new resolutions.