As 2013 comes to a close, I’m reminded by constant commercials for gyms that it’s high time to start planning out my “New Years Resolutions.” This is the age-old process of creating a list of achievable goals, then deciding halfway through February that I could use the back of the paper as an area to doodle a picture of me high-fiving Jesus on a surfboard, and then ultimately forgetting that I had a list to begin with.
Every year has the same results – I make a promise to myself that “things are gonna change ’round here,” and the promise fades out quicker than Michael Cera’s career (full of goddamn zingers today).
Well, I came up with an idea. See, every year, I make one or two resolutions to follow. I figure “the less I have to remember, the better the chance I have of completing it.” Nope. I get lazy and underwhelmed. So this year, my list is gonna be an assload of resolutions. If I compile a hefty list, I’ll feel like it’s a necessity to just get it done as soon as possible.
Secondly, I also have a history of creating unrealistic goals. Here’s an example. A couple years back, 21-year-old me thought “learn an instrument to a proficient level” would come naturally. He’ll, how hard could guitar be? I learned 12 chords, “Wonderwall”, and that’s about it. Now my poor guitar is in the same closet where I keep my old college dorm papers. My goals need to be realistic enough to accomplish, but not so simple that I don’t over-inflate my self worth by the end.
So here’s my experimental run at the year 2014. Maybe putting it on the Internet will keep me accountable or something.
1) Replace the time that I usually surf Netflix with a form of exercise. Allow Sam to take up that duty in my absence.
2) Eat 25% less of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos.
3) Eat 25% more vegetables as “snacks” (avoiding screaming obscenities at the guy who created the ranch veggie dip… seriously, why the hell is it thicker than a Greek yogurt…)
4) Write a letter to my local paper’s “sound off your opinions” section, under a pseudonym, and complain about something extremely unimportant. Like why snack foods keep changing their label design.
5) Write a letter to Will Ferrell, asking him to make a sequel to Bewitched. Since he obviously doesn’t care about his career anymore.
6) Find a legitimate talent agency to see if they will work with a partially-trained actor. Who is only free after 5 or on weekends.
7) Legally change my name to Chet Steadman. If not possible, change my shipping name for Amazon to Chet Steadman.
8) Get into a heated argument with a stranger regarding a current event. Bring up terrible points and go off in as many tangents as possible.
9) Listen to an entire audio book narrated by Morgan Freeman. Recommend audio book over regular book to every book nerd I know.
10) Try not to look up an actor on IMDB during a movie.
11) Try not to announce to the room the entire filmography of said actor.
12) Read more books. Pretend like the Internet is down or something. Just read more. No. Put down the laptop. Put it down. Now grab the book. Open the front page. Good boy.
13) Come up with a catchphrase. Use it until it catches on or until people stop talking to me.
14) Take a day to hop on a train to anywhere, and just go exploring. As long as I hide my valuables in my shoes/hat/butt, I should be fine.
15) Eat an entire cake by myself. Not just a small birthday cake. I’m talking either a wedding cake or a sheet cake.
16) Drink an entire gallon of lemonade in one sitting. Preferably during and after the cake.
17) Get tested for diabetes and heart conditions. When you’re found negative for both, repeat 15 and 16 out of spite.
18) Create an Excel spreadsheet of all my finances, so I can have one more important fact sheet to ignore when I buy that trampoline in May.
19) Order a pizza for the neighbor who had to deal with my car being outside his house all weekend. Pay for it, and leave a note saying “never forget.” Let him figure it out.
20) Stop combining words with other words to make new words. It’s not clever. It’s not funny. I’m starting to get stares.
21) Visit 3+ museums around the city wearing a beret and glasses. Attempt to tell strangers what each painting means, by comparing each one to Andy Warhol’s Campbells Soup Can.
22) Go hiking with nothing but a backpack filled with Fiber One bars and Gatorade. Show those Charmin bears who’s boss.
23) Watch every Saturday Night Live movie from start to finish, and weep openly every time Chris Farley is on screen.
24) Start lifting weights again. Not to, like, you know, get buff. But to be able to carry groceries upstairs without needing to check my pulse.
25) Give Downton Abbey another chance. Then give it a third chance after I fall asleep during all the average dialogueI with their only selling point – famous British people.
26) Find out how scrapple is made, immediately want to go vegan, wait one week, and start eating scrapple again. Repeat with every other meat product.
27) Get a video camera and start filming all the sketches I wrote over the past year. Put it in YouTube. Read all the comments. Give up on doing anything.
28) Research how to make my own alcohol, and create my own moonshine business. Become Steve Buscemi. Start a turf war.
29) Find a new apartment large enough to hold a themed party. Make the theme for “Heavyweights”. Essentially have everyone watch Heavyweights on repeat while drinking every time anyone says “fat.”
30) Keep writing in this blog daily, and stop second-guessing everything about it. It’s fine. It gets the job done. Stop worrying. Seriously. Stop it.
Well that’s about it. Hopefully I can do all of these by March. I have some long-awaited procrastinatin’ to do.
What are your resolutions for this year? Tell me in the comments section!