My Dreams Are What LSD Is Made Of

So in a previous blog post, I covered the other kind of dreams. Goals, aspirations, reasons to keep on chuggin’. I gotta admit – reading back on it, I must have been having an off-meds night or something. I stand by what I wrote, but Jesus, it got a little deep.

I wanna talk about the more important dreams. Not the reason we get up every day, and give it the ol’ college try. I’m talking about the reason we go to bed every night, so we can escape to a land made of Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwiches, and the rivers flowed with pineapple mango juice.

Carl Werner makes art based on the most beautiful acid dreams a stoner could envision. God bless this breadstick pier.

It’s amazing how the human body works. During the day, our mind is forced to focus on specific tasks and topics at hand, to reach a specific goal, and to fulfill a specific quota. Everything’s so specific, and there’s less room for stumbling onto something beautiful. But by night, when we shut down, we’re most able to tap those inner fears and desires, in a way that is simultaneously haunting and breathtaking.

I’ve had a lot of messed up dreams growing up. Like, a lot. And I know, I’m with you. 95% of the time, when someone says “Dude, I gotta tell you about the dream I had last night,” I immediately start to make a mental grocery list. I’d rather think about lemonade mix than about the “dog who started speaking Japanese” to you.

But, just like “everyone else,” mine are different. So bear with me, because I’m about to be a hypocrite. Here are some of the dreams I’ve had over the years.

1) The Matrix Hallway

My dream dictionary told me I was afraid of the journey of life for this one. Then I remembered that I dreamt that I owned a dream dictionary. I don’t know what’s real anymore.

Okay, so if you ever saw The Matrix Reloaded, and decided not to give up after 8 minutes of Keanu doing backflips, you’ll remember the Infinity Hallway. In the movie, Neo uses the doors to end up in different areas of the Matrix, like a backdoor system. I don’t know what I’m giving a synopsis – I guess the context is that knowing kung fu just wasn’t enough anymore.

In my dream, I started in the hallway, and just kept walking. Every door I tried was locked, so I assumed it was my brain just being lazy while I slept. Valid assumption. But the weird part wasn’t the amount of doors, or the amount of locksmiths it would take to get a decent turnaround rate.

I had this dream almost every night for 3 years.

As the years went on, there were more times of when I would come across a door that opened, but the rooms were dark. Or the rooms were either empty, or had just a chair or table. I don’t want to try to give an interpretation, but the WebMD community thinks my mind was telling me something either about the Revolutionary War, or about sex. So…that’s neat.

2) Law And Order Daily Life

I’d be more pumped if I just dreamt I was Ice-T.

This one was weird, but for a whole different reason. I think during high school, I went on a bit of an SVU binge. Meloni and Hargitay were a cop dream team, almost like super heroes. Then Meloni became a vampire on True Blood. I guess his career options were “skyrocketing.”

Anyway, during my binge, I started to hear the damn DUN DUN sound in my dreams, with the black location screen. I would go to the store, hear the DUN DUN with, like, Genaurdi’s name or something, and I’d go home. This dream pissed me off. It was so boring. At least with the hallway of doors, there was always the potential of someone popping out a door and attempting to stab me. This was the equivalent of dreaming about filing taxes. I’d rather been awake and watching 2 Broke Girls. Which is really painful to say.

Well, these dreams lasted for a couple years, on and off. Mostly off. The Matrix dream sort of dominated my nighttime brain. I’m mildly alright with that.

3) The Clock Murder

After this one, I could never go to a large timepiece museum again. Imagine my suffering.

So I might have bored you with those shitty Matrix and SVU dreams. I’m sorry. But I promise you, those dreams were leading up to this moment – DREAMS OF MURDER AND CHAOS. Piqued your interest? …No? Too bad, I’m the one with the damn keyboard.

I had this dream when I was in the 4th grade. I remember feeling like I was waking up in bed, to the sound of screaming coming from down the hall. It was a bloodcurdling scream, like the ones you hear outside a haunted house ride. Only it felt real. I grabbed my bat from under my bed, and walked to my door. By the time I entered the hallway, there was a deafening silence.

I walked to the center of the hall, to see a mahogany grandfather clock. A tick-tock sound came out of it, but the hands were frozen. When I looked closer, in the body of the clock, where the pendulum would normally be, there was a faceless and grotesquely-contorted dead body. I remember being frozen fear, followed by seeing a man in the reflection wielding a butcher’s knife. He grabbed me by the hair, put the knife by my neck, and-

I woke up. Screaming. I screamed and screamed, and I couldn’t calm down. This one is the first nightmare I can remember, and for that, it stuck with me for about 14 years. I don’t know. The first ones are always the worst, I guess.

4) “Xzibit Stole My Goddamn Car”

You know when you dream about someone you know doing something shitty, and you hate them when you wake up? Meet the man I inexplicably loathe.

The last one got dark, so I’m ending it with a lighter dream. I dreamt Xzibit stole my friend’s car, and left us stranded in the middle of a Philadelphia suburb.

Giving it a mild context, the night that I had this dream was the same night I kept scrolling through “yo dawg” memes and watching “Pimp My Ride” clips on YouTube. I should stop watching shit before going to bed. Apparently my dreams are VH1 and TBS advertisements.

So the dream started with myself and two friends being invited to bring a car to have it “pimped.” That, of course, means having an Easy Bake Oven installed in the glove box. How do you say no to an Easy Bake Oven? You don’t. So when we arrived, we briefly met Xzibit, gave him the keys to the car, and he drove off. He didn’t take it into the shop. He just sorta sped off into the sunset. The remainder of the dream was spent screaming “XZIBIT YOU PIECE OF SHIT” around an empty neighborhood.

So that’s the end of me listing off shitty dreams. Sorry, again, for being a terrible hypocrite. But, continuing on the hypocritical path, I wanna hear your dreams. What are some of the things that you dreamt, the ones that stick to memory? Why do you remember them? Do any of them involve slow motion running? (Hint: probably do).

For your boredom, you’ve earned a video of Jack Black giving ideas while high.