Damnit, Internet, Stop Doing That – Quizzes

I remember, back in the early-to-mid 2000’s, when I used to come home from school, drop my schoolbag off next to the front door, grab a soda from the fridge, and plop my ass in front of the family computer, basically usurping any and all potential users that day. Of course, back then, us crazy kids didn’t have no Facebooks. We had to communicate with friends with far more primitive means.

We had MySpace – the Internet’s Two Cans and a String.

Tom was more than just our friend. He was our reminder that there are lame white dudes who apparently love Get Busy Committee.

That meant there was no Farmville Notification Crisis of 2008, no Mass Event Invite Storm of 2009-2011, and no Newsfeed Auto-Play Ads of 2014. Yes, we had to go out of our way to see how folks were doing. That meant searching them by name, narrowing down their location, attempting to find the correct mirror selfie, adding them, and THEN seeing what the hell they’ve been up to.

Even though I generally have a memory of someone who’s been hit in the face with a shovel too many times, I’d like to think that this next vivid recall is true. Because I remember, at the very beginning of high school, the surge of homemade quizzes going crazy-viral. People would make up about 25-30 questions in a single blog post, answering questions about their lives, and then like wildfire, others would copy and paste it directly into THEIR profiles, to answer questions about them. I tend to refer to that as “social leprosy.”

Once we all joined Facebook, I’m almost positive I heard everyone pledge, “we promise not to treat this network as a means to take stupid goddamn quizzes.” And now, ten years later, here we are, sticking true to our word.

What little girl hasn’t dreamt of growing up to become Courtney Love?

Except not. Except quizzes are more viral than ever.

DAMNIT.

NO.

WE PROMISED. WE PROMISED WE’D STOP.

Look, I’m as much of a cinephile as the next person. I love relating myself to popular characters in television, films, and books. Creating a sense of relation between ourselves and others, whether they’re real or not, nurtures the many needs of empathy.

But let’s sit back and be real honest with ourselves. Just once.

We are not Walter White.

We are not Jacob Black.

We are not Tyrion Lannister.

We are not Rick Grimes.

We are not Cyclops.

We weren’t “supposed” to live in Sunnyside Heights.

We weren’t Marilyn Monroe in another life.

None of us are any of the cast members of How I Met Your Mother.

None of us are any of the characters Leonardo DiCaprio has played.

And lastly, I can NOT believe I have to say this, but we are NOT Rosa Parks. (Yes. I saw a quiz that asked what type of leader someone was. If you’re that focused on creating positive change, you probably shouldn’t be taking a quiz based on whether or not you’re effective.)

What these quizzes do is affirm two things: what we already know about ourselves, or what we wish was true about ourselves.

What we already know about ourselves is that we are good people, who have a passion for our hobbies and our career goals, or we know we’re “firecrackers,” who will do whatever it takes to get what we want. So, knowing what we do about ourselves, we don’t need a quiz to affirm it. We can live it.

Secondly, it’s fun to play pretend, even after we’re old enough to buy alcohol or go to nightclubs. It’s even more fun to pretend to be people/characters of influence, because it’s easy and it fluffs that ego just enough to move on to the next quiz.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being a 23-year-old presumptuous curmudgeon, trying to take happiness away from others. Actually, yeah, that’s probably mostly it. But if people spent more time reading non-fiction or watching historical documentaries, maybe then they could emulate the type of person they want to be, and become an individual who sets themselves apart from the pack. Harness the power of reality to become larger than life.

Or be Barney Stinson, because equating one’s self to a walking STD is much easier.

Screw it. “Block all from Buzzfeed and Zimbio.” Done. Go about your lives.

Damnit, Internet, Stop Doing That – Headlines

Remember when the only sources of news we had were from the newspaper, radio, and television? Before I was born, people would have to “walk 20 miles uphill to the nearest nickel shop for ice-cream-flavored ice cream, and a copy of the Times Herald Journal News.”

And, apparently, they liked it just fine.

Journalists, in those days, would have to take their time to develop important headlines, focusing on the integrity of each story, and adjusting the tone of the highlighted phrases to match each article. Here’s a few big ones, just to give you a reminder:

U.S. Declares War: Congress Acts Quickly in Reply to Japanese Attack

Babe Smashes Former Record: Ends Season with 54 Homers

Pretty self-explanatory, right? US declares a war. Fat guy hits a bunch of balls. Yep. Pretty easily defined. Don’t even have to read the story, really.

With the age of the internet came the 24-hour news cycle. Newspapers were forced to catch up, and bring their periodicals online. The blogosphere was created, and updates were given an obviously-biased twist. Radio-style news is pretty much all but dead at this point, save for some traffic reports-

Eh, you get the point.

So now that we’re all caught up to the modern news, let’s talk about how the headlines are looking now.

Yikes. You used to be cool, News. What happened to you?

I heard a term the other day, while I was on Facebook, that really kinda stuck with me – “like whoring.” Like whoring is best defined as “the act of creating an online post for the sole purpose of generating support, often for self-serving reasons and rarely for the benefit of the general public.” Basically, like whoring is attempting to get AS MANY CLICKS AS GODDAMNIDY POSSIBLE.

I get it – times are tough. There’s tens of thousands of news sources available online, and not enough people in the world to get subscriptions from. But why, in the name of Tom Brokaw, did they have to stoop to the same level as a teenaged girl with an addiction to bathroom mirror photos?

“You Guys Will Never Believe What Happened at the White House”

“The Biggest OMG Moments of the JFK Assassination”

“Here’s 13 Signs Your BFF May Actually Be a Domestic Terrorist”

I struggle with websites like Upworthy and Buzzfeed (who literally posted this story as a headline), who speak to the general public using pictures and videos, because I prefer my news with substance. I don’t need an interactive websites with tons of bells and whistles, just so I can see what’s going on in the world. And I especially do not need these stupid, juvenile headlines, whose sole purpose is to increase their click rates.

“But Steve, they need those clicks so advertisers can keep them afloat.”

NOPE. DON’T CARE.

Headlines can be attention-grabbing without having to be the “Top 5” of something extremely unimportant, or “Shocking New Photos” of celebrities holding hands, or some other shit like that. Headlines can have integrity. Headlines can do their job, by summarizing a story, instead of treating each news item like it’s the fucking Pandora’s Box.

Well, that’s my rant for today. I’m gonna go back to seeing why Obama’s dog is “such a drama queen.”

What Boils My Egg: Tailgating

It doesn’t take too much to give me road rage. I can hide it pretty well, through gritted teeth and feigned patience. But sometimes, when I’m behind the wheel, I can feel an animalistic sensation taking over my morality, pulling me to go Dexter all over someone’s ass, even for truly insignificant shit. Like when the person in front of you has a turn signal on for about a mile or so, before they realize their own friggin’ obliviousness.

“Well…maybe they’ve missed their turn, or they’re lost…wait, nope, just an asshole, my mistake.”

Or, when people drive directly alongside of you for long distances, as if it were some kind of game to align their car with yours.

He was just looking for a highway buddy. Don’t mind the line of cars screaming obscenities behind him.

But…

You know what really boils my egg?

Tailgaters.

When people unnecessarily feel like treating the front of their car like a puppy’s nose, and the back of your car like…well, I guess you can figure it out.

“Wow, he’s really friendly!”

I get it. You were running late this morning. Your daughter took that extra ten minutes in the bathroom that you usually like to use as “me time.” Your son needed help cheating on his take-home math exam, and trigonometry isn’t how you remembered it from when you were in school. Your wife slammed you with questions about visiting the in-laws over the weekend, and then decided to ream you out for seeming to have a “lack of interest in her family.”

“It’s not that I don’t love them. It’s that I don’t like them, and seeing them makes me want to punt children.”

So now you’re behind schedule, and now you’ve hit that brick wall traffic mess that you’ve been trying to avoid. But if you think for one second that moving a half an inch away from the bumper of the car in front of you will somehow get you closer to work, you’re poorly mistaken.

You’re in the same line of traffic as everyone else. The moment that you accept that, the moment you’ll understand that these little mental tricks you play on yourself are actually just that – tricks. Keep a safe distance from the car in front of you. At least six inches should do the trick.

Just like in Catholic school – Jesus weeps every time genitals touch.

But, more importantly, I detest those tailgaters in the fast-moving traffic. The ones who ride your ass for miles, treating each moment of braking as a test of reflexes. The ones who, when looking into your rear-view mirror, you can count every wrinkle in their frustrated foreheads. Just like in heavy traffic, they haven’t realized yet that being glued to your bumper doesn’t make their trip any faster. Maintaining a healthy distance and speed does the exact same thing, with a fraction of the heart attacks.

So, what’s the reason, then? Are you simply doing your very best to make sure no one cuts in front of you in line? Have we become so juvenile that a traffic lane is now the pizza line in elementary school? Look, we’re not gonna run out of pepperoni if someone slips in for a moment, so take your Ritalin and relax.

If you get anything out of what I’ve been trying to tell you, please make it this – when you’re on the road, remember that the person in front of you has the utter disappointment of having to look back at your agitated face.

“Objects in mirror are closer than they appear” also applies to douchebags.

I assure you, we all have to pee. You’re no more special than the rest of us.

Consider this egg: boiled.