“Hello London – Goodbye, Lunch”: My Favorite Holiday Movie Traditions Pt. 3

Well, the weekend’s coming to a close. You know what that means. Those of us with jobs have to get those noses back to the grind, working diligently to bring those products and services people need. Or, if you’re like me, and unemployed, it means a never-ending marathon of amazing/shitty/shittily-amazing holiday movies, accompanied with a Hot Pocket and a lot of regret. Mostly for the Hot Pocket.

But, after a 45-minute trip to the toilet, it’s time to get back to those classic films that make the holidays just a little less full of shame.

HOLIDAY MOVIES I HAVE TO WATCH OR ELSE THE HOLIDAYS NEVER HAPPEN FOR ME, FINAL ROUND

A Muppet Christmas Carol

The Muppets make any story instantly better. Except when they go to space. That one sucked. Everything else, solid.

This movie is a must. When I originally read A Christmas Carol, I thought to myself, “Dickens, you found the true source of trouble with the growing corporatocracy, and how we (as citizens of a darker time) can overcome it with love and friendship. But you’re missing an important element – you’re missing humans with their hands up puppets’ asses, singing songs to Michael Caine.” And just like that, Muppet Christmas Carol was born. Led by a homeless rat and an alien creature with a suggestive nose (heh, it looks like genitals), the epic story of Dickens’ hardened character unfolds. It really is a great take on the story, and makes it easily accessible to all types of audiences. My only problem was that the Ghost of Christmas Past is easily the most horrifying creature I’ve ever seen, and I always find myself wanting to fast forward to the Ghost of Fatass Present.

The Santa Clause

All I wanted for the next month after seeing this was the perfect frigging cup of hot chocolate. DAMN YOU, SWISS MISS. DAMN YOU TO HELL.

Tim Allen effectively kills Santa Clause, and then he magically becomes the bearded man himself. And children/elves are totally okay with that “king of the mountaintop” mentality. That’s the plot of this movie. It tells kids “Hey, if someone is important and beloved, and you want to be just like them…fuck it – BECOME THEM. Kill them and absorb their power.” Which sounds about right for a Disney flick. And I love every second of it. The Santa Clause is one of the best Christmas movies of the 90s. It’s a shame that they had to make sequels out of it, just to drain as much of the cash cow as possible. On the plus side, Tim Allen gets to put his Home Improvement grunts back to work. And those pajamas and that hot chocolate? Damn. I’ll kill Santa for them perks. Also, the casting director made a solid choice by having his head elf be Jewish. Speaking of the Chosen People…

Hebrew Hammer

Mildly offensive tones? Absolutely. One of the only movies centered around Hanukkah? Sadly. Come on, Hebrews of Hollywood, step your game up.

A Comedy Central original, Hebrew Hammer is one of the only Hanukkah-based films out there. I get it – you make a movie on what sells, and it’s hard to sell a kid on 8 days of latkes and menorah-lighting. But I think it’s time to update the Hollywood standards and start pumping out some solid materials for the Jewish faith. Why the hell do we have to subject ourselves to Eight Crazy Nights as the only REAL movie-theatre Hanukkah film? Alright, getting back on track now. Hebrew Hammer is a Jewish Shaft, led by Adam Goldberg, who has to save his holiday from Santa Claus’ evil son, Andy Dick.

No. That wasn’t a typo. The leading antagonist of this movie is Andy Dick. Now you see the problem. They pinned comic genius Adam Goldberg against…Andy Dick. Well, at least they pulled in Judy Greer to play one of the greatest named female Jewish characters of all time – Esther Bloomenbergensteinenthal. I’ll take it. And I’ll watch it every night ’til Boxing Day.

Trading Places

Dan Akroyd trades lives with Eddie Murphy. Which is a nightmare. No one wants to star in Meet Dave.

This is another traditional story given a modern twist. God vs. Satan on the condition of Job. Duke & Duke, on the downfall of a wealthy man, and the rise of a con-artist. Dinner for Schmucks, on…watching idiots do idiot things. Basically, the story is about people of power who wager on the success and failures of people who generally live content lives. It’s a really funny movie, though, especially when these two ex-stars of Saturday Night Live were in the prime of their careers. This reversal-of-fortune story takes place around the holiday season, so, I mean, it’s technically about Christmas. Right? Sure. At least, at one point, Dan Akroyd dresses like a drugged-out Santa, bent on a murdering spree. And Eddie Murphy says a couple of Christmas jokes. Yeah, we’re gonna go with that.

Batman Returns

Danny DeVito plays a riveting…version of himself…

Earlier this year, the announcement was made that Ben Affleck would be playing Batman in the newest version of the DC Comic hero. Hell, I’m open-minded. I allowed the Swing Kid to play the role for 3 movies. But no man will ever compare to the badassery that was Michael Keaton, in the Tim Burton (ugh) version. This is a great movie for the holiday season, because you get to see Christopher Walken in a bow tie and a white wig, doing Christopher Walken things. And he has “Christ” in his name, which is the first syllable of “Christmas,” so it’s all relative. Besides the Christmas speech, probably the most holiday-esque part of the movie is when Catwoman has a weirdly-arousing mistletoe scene with Batman. So, I mean, yeah. It’s Christmas. Whatever.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

The age-old classic tale of a deformed freak, who befriends a reindeer.

Obviously, this is one of those movies that has to be watched at least once a year. It has to be watched, because there’s at least twelve different channels playing it. Sometimes at the same time. Damnit, claymation, is there nothing you can’t monopolize? This is (yet another) story about love, friendship, and acceptance of difference. Towards the beginning of the story, we’re exposed to a super unnecessary reindeer birthing scene, to which the reindeer father screams in horror at the mutant son he helped bring into the world. This monstrosity grows up without friends, solely because his nose has the occasional red glow. That’s all. There’s nothing else. He’s a nice kid, with sinus issues. And then he runs away from Reindeer Town, or wherever the hell he’s from in the North Pole, and he comes across a terrifying Aryan child and a molesty mountain climber. And the moral of the story is, no matter what your shortcomings are, when shit hits the fan, people will come to you and use you for your body.

Wait. Wait, no. It’s togetherness and love. Damnit, I keep getting it wrong.

So that leads me to the last film on my to-watch list. The movie to end all movies. The one I watch on Christmas night, when the soft, white snow, gently taps my bedroom window, and the crackle of the fire emanates through the entire home…

A Charlie Brown Christmas

People usually feel bad for how others treat Charlie Brown. But this turd had one goddamn job, and shows up with a twig. He deserves the pain.

I felt like I have to end it with one of the most depressing Christmas movies of all time – A Charlie Brown Christmas. Yes, yes, the ending is so sweet, with all the kids coming together to show how much they actually appreciate the kid who royally screwed up their plans. Yes, they show a mixture of forgiveness and remorse for their reactions. But 99.9% of the movie actually consists of the kids being absolute douchebags to the ever-awkward Charlie Brown. I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but there are kids in that group who deserve it WAY more than he does.

I’m an advocate for anti-bullying school programs…and ALL off these kids deserve wedgies.

Take a look at his “friends.” You have a dirty and smelly kid, who PROBABLY doesn’t have a caretaker. You have a kid with thinning black hair, doing the shuffle way before his time. You have twin girls who dress exactly the same, because they have no identity of their own. You have a morbid, scoliosis-enriched child who would rather play piano than score with ladies. I could keep going, but I already feel much better as a person by bringing other people down. Anyway, all these misfits treat the most average kid (with the shittiest luck) like a piece of shit, until the nerd with the blanket talks about Jesus. And suddenly, EVERYONE LOVES CHARLIE BROWN LIKE A BROTHER. Cool story, Schultz. Thanks for the memories.

Well, that about “wraps” up my holiday movie list-off. I’m gonna go fill back up on egg nog and pie. This gut needs to be ready to burst by the time I start delivering gifts on Tuesday night.

“Shoot Your Eye Out”: My Favorite Holiday Movie Traditions Pt. 2

In case you missed out (which, you may very well have, since I have the balls to post these at like 2 AM with confidence), I’ve been recapping some of my favorite holiday films of all time. Starting with such classics as It’s A Wonderful Life, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, Santa’s Slay…well…at least one of them was a classic…

Anyway, with such holiday films as those on my must-watch list, I figured I’d continue to round out the Christmas cheer with some more of my recommendations. Feel free to add them to your instant queue/torrent list/VHS tape-burning marathon night.

HOLIDAY MOVIES I HAVE TO WATCH OR ELSE THE HOLIDAYS NEVER HAPPEN FOR ME, ROUND 2

A Christmas Story

Admit it. You wanted nothing more than to punch this kid in the testicles for hours on end.

It’s unfortunate that TBS plays this movie almost 24 hours a day for the entirety of December, because this is one of those cult classics that deserves the rarity of being viewed only once a year. The story of Ralphie overcoming bullies, a piss-poor education, and a father who undoubtedly hits him hard off-screen, is a story that ultimately speaks to many of us. We’ve all had a dream of getting that perfect Christmas gift, despite the risk of losing eyesight, and we’ve all had those moments of self-sacrificial family-pleasing, despite the fact that bunny pajamas for a child that size should mean it’s time for Granny to go to a home. All in all, it’s a touching tale that was ultimately ignored during its time, and deserves the respect and watchability it has to this day.

Gremlins

Gizmo won Most Goddamn Adorable Alien Award at the 1984 Oscars.

The first time I watched this one, I think I was a mixture of confused, then frightened, then confused, then relatively upset, and finally confused again. Now that I’m older and can appreciate it…I still get a little confused. Regardless, this has to be watched every year. An alien-like creature is captured and kept as a pet, with three rules to live by: don’t feed him after midnight, keep him away from water, and above all else, don’t make him into an animatronic shit machine (thanks, Furby). Most people ignore the fact that this all takes place during the holidays, but the scene where Gizmo is wearing a Santa hat is the cutest thing in the entire world. Really. It’s so adorable. Ignore the fact that it can spawn slimy, evil creatures from its back. If that’s a deal breaker, just watch Gremlins 2, and see Gizmo dressed as Rambo.

2 parts badass, 1 part mildly saddening.

Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

This movie is the reason to believe in a Santa Claus. That, and extra presents. Mostly the extra presents.

Let’s take it all the way back to 1947, a beautiful time for film. We’ll glaze over the gender/race issues that terrorized the country for a moment, and just enjoy a classic tale of Supreme Court Vs. Santa Claus. Seriously, though, this is one of those movies that I watch all the time, because story takes the traditional tale of doubting a fable, and turns it into a unifying moment of belief in the unbelievable. Edmund Gwenn plays Kris Kringle, which is a far differing role than his usual Hitchcock appearances, and he plays him with the exact lightness and kindness that the role calls for. It’s just an overall great classic film. The only way it could have been better is if John Payne was replaced by Gregory Peck. Even then, it could only be a mild improvement, because Payne’s performance is noteworthy in itself. Alright, I’m done gushing. Let’s move on to some ‘toons.

The Year Without a Santa Clause

Ever notice Heat Miser was significantly more of a douche than Snow Miser?

Alright, here we go. Another classic to me (and countless others), but for different reasons. See, a lot of people view this movie as a unique story of sharing, togetherness, and all that crap. But there are so many movies out there like that, even before this came out. Here’s what makes it unique – evil, douchebaggy, temperature-sensitive characters. Holy hell, talk about out-of-fucking nowhere script-writing. Why is Santa associated with a man who is obviously Beelzebub, another man who acts like a creepy, frozen, touchy uncle, and a mother who is so apathetic on her extreme children? I’ll tell you why – because Santa is going through a major withdrawal, and needs Jingle Bells and Jangle Bells (…seriously…ha) to do all the heavy lifting for him. But it’s cool, because they can enlist the help of Ignatius Thistlewhistle (again…ha) and his immense gap tooth. Oh man. Yeah. Time to break back out the wine and tissues.

Elf

EVERYONE LOOK! HE’S IN A TINY CHAIR! IT’S HYSTERICAL! WILL FERRELL KNOWS COMEDY!

Of all the holiday movies ever created, Elf is the movie that has garnered the most split reactions between everyone I know. Half of the people that bring up Elf either follow it up with quotes on the entire movie with vigor, and the other half would rather watch the entire life cycle of a cicada. As for me, I enjoy it for what it is – a comedy featuring Will Ferrell acting like a child, and attempting to live a normal life in the big city. It’s like a holiday version of Jungle 2 Jungle. I’m okay with that. Is it my favorite holiday movie? Nope. Is it one that I’ll end up stopping on when switching through the channels? Usually. Do I blame it for the simultaneous rise and fall of comedic genius, Will Ferrell? Most definitely.

Die Hard

The most badass way to send a message? Put a Santa hat on a corpse and write a message in blood. And somehow still be a good guy.

Yippee-kay-ay. A movie that has Bruce Willis literally jumping off a 40-story building into a window, where he proceeds to step on glass and, presumably, gross German bacteria? Sign me up. This is a holiday movie that can be watched year-round, just because the holiday theme is severely underplayed. That is, until you get to the scene where the dead thug in the elevator is wearing a Santa hat, and wearing a sweatshirt with blood writing, saying “Now I have a machine gun – Ho Ho Ho.” Bad. Ass. BADASS. Basically, Bruce Willis blows up the Nakatomi Plaza, to prevent Hans “Snape” Gruber from stealing a shit-ton of money with his crack team of Germans and token black guy. There’s a scene where a cocky bastard gets shot in the face for being a cocky bastard. Oh, and Alan Rickman’s American accent is worth looking past the super annoying limo driver.

Home Alone 2

WHY DOES KEVIN GET SO MANY GODDAMN SUNDAE CHOICES, IT’S NOT FAIR.

I have a love-hate relationship with the Home Alone series. I love it, because I love seeing Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern in never-ending pain. Don’t ask me why, I just…enjoy it…probably because anyone who calls themselves the “Wet Bandits” deserves to be hit in the balls by a paint can. But I also hate it, because Macauley Culkin is such a snobby little shit, and I always secretly hoped that he got his ass whooped. In any case, Home Alone 2 has two of the most amazing scenes in any holiday movies. The first is when Kevin gets the hotel suite, and is exposed to the “sweetest” (pun frigging intended) room ever. Candy and cookies in the fridge, a big-ass sundae bar delivered RIGHT TO HIS BED? Yeah. I’ll take it. The second scene is when he walks through Duncan’s Toy Chest, and it’s a winter goddamn wonderland. It was everything I imagined Santa’s workshop to be, and it was glorious. I’ve yet to come across something even remotely similar to this level of awesome in a toy store. Then again, the only toy stores I really see nowadays are those Smart Toy stores…and those absolutely suck. I get it, learning’s important. But when you make your store the aesthetic equivalent of a Valium, you deserve low sales.

 

…TO BE CONTINUED…one more time, I guess…you know…make it a 3-parter….

A Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

Hey, man. It’s been a long time since we talked. How are ya?

Listen, I’m not sure what I did back when I was a kid to make you stop swinging by the house each Christmas, but we’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I used to stay up late the night before, reading the same copies of The Berenstein Bears, listening to my Queen’s Greatest Hits tape, waiting for that familiar THUNK! on the rooftop. But when I got older, and wiser, the sound stopped coming. And the Christmas tree had just a little less each time.

That’s bullshit, dude. What the fuck did I do? Peanut butter cookies not matching your expectations anymore?

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out back there. That was rude, and inconsiderate. Because I know you never meant to fucking abandon stop coming without saying goodbye. So, I figured, maybe this year, you can consider paying the ol’ Norris household a visit. For old times sakes. And while you’re out, I could use a handful of things:

1) $500 cash/money order/PayPal

I hate to treat the very first present on my list like it’s the go-to Christmas gift from the drunk uncle, but desperate times call for desperate sadness. $500 will really help me out over the next few weeks. See, I just realized that there were a couple of loan payments coming up soon, and I’d really like my intro into the new year to have less meetings with collections officers and Italian dudes holding bats.

2) A brand new car

Let’s be honest. You’ve been gone for over 10 years now, that should equate close to at least a used 2008 Mazda. I’m currently working with a 2004 Ford Crown Victoria, with doors that can’t lock, and brakes that are questionable when going downhill. At this point, a new car would be an investment on my safety, as well as everyone’s within a 50 ft. radius of me.

3) Solve World Hunger

Come on, dude. Share some of those cookies with the rest of us. Speaking of which…

4) Queasy Bake Oven

I’ve always wanted this bad boy, ever since I was a fat kid obsessed with chocolate. First off, the commercial had a greasy, obese chef, covered in food stains and crack. He bursts into a fancy restaurant with chocolate hockey pucks and a plastic hotbox. Then he unloads that sweet secret recipe – something that makes your mouth change into a vomit-shade of green. It caps off with parents being absolutely revolted and passing out into a plate of cheese sauce. 

Yeah. Bring an extra lightbulb. Heisenberg’s got some cookin’ to do.

5) A new cover letter

The cheapest thing on the list. Get your smartest elf (preferably one that has a degree), lock him in one of your workshops, and don’t let him come out until he produces some goddamn results. I have great difficulty writing 2-3 paragraphs about my skills, and why I’d be a great fit at any company. But if one of your little green demons can whip up something, without mentioning clichés like “a hard-working, goal-oriented person” or “flexible on the salary amount,” I’d be pretty much eternally grateful. If you can’t make it work…I guess you can tack on another $500.

 

That’s it. Don’t think of this letter as a major guilt trip for all those lonely Christmas morns. You’ll always be higher on my nice list than 95% of my closest friends.

Love always,
Steve

P.S. My apartment doesn’t have a chimney, so just burst through my sliding doors like the Kool Aid man drunk with power.