“Shoot Your Eye Out”: My Favorite Holiday Movie Traditions Pt. 2

In case you missed out (which, you may very well have, since I have the balls to post these at like 2 AM with confidence), I’ve been recapping some of my favorite holiday films of all time. Starting with such classics as It’s A Wonderful Life, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, Santa’s Slay…well…at least one of them was a classic…

Anyway, with such holiday films as those on my must-watch list, I figured I’d continue to round out the Christmas cheer with some more of my recommendations. Feel free to add them to your instant queue/torrent list/VHS tape-burning marathon night.

HOLIDAY MOVIES I HAVE TO WATCH OR ELSE THE HOLIDAYS NEVER HAPPEN FOR ME, ROUND 2

A Christmas Story

Admit it. You wanted nothing more than to punch this kid in the testicles for hours on end.

It’s unfortunate that TBS plays this movie almost 24 hours a day for the entirety of December, because this is one of those cult classics that deserves the rarity of being viewed only once a year. The story of Ralphie overcoming bullies, a piss-poor education, and a father who undoubtedly hits him hard off-screen, is a story that ultimately speaks to many of us. We’ve all had a dream of getting that perfect Christmas gift, despite the risk of losing eyesight, and we’ve all had those moments of self-sacrificial family-pleasing, despite the fact that bunny pajamas for a child that size should mean it’s time for Granny to go to a home. All in all, it’s a touching tale that was ultimately ignored during its time, and deserves the respect and watchability it has to this day.

Gremlins

Gizmo won Most Goddamn Adorable Alien Award at the 1984 Oscars.

The first time I watched this one, I think I was a mixture of confused, then frightened, then confused, then relatively upset, and finally confused again. Now that I’m older and can appreciate it…I still get a little confused. Regardless, this has to be watched every year. An alien-like creature is captured and kept as a pet, with three rules to live by: don’t feed him after midnight, keep him away from water, and above all else, don’t make him into an animatronic shit machine (thanks, Furby). Most people ignore the fact that this all takes place during the holidays, but the scene where Gizmo is wearing a Santa hat is the cutest thing in the entire world. Really. It’s so adorable. Ignore the fact that it can spawn slimy, evil creatures from its back. If that’s a deal breaker, just watch Gremlins 2, and see Gizmo dressed as Rambo.

2 parts badass, 1 part mildly saddening.

Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

This movie is the reason to believe in a Santa Claus. That, and extra presents. Mostly the extra presents.

Let’s take it all the way back to 1947, a beautiful time for film. We’ll glaze over the gender/race issues that terrorized the country for a moment, and just enjoy a classic tale of Supreme Court Vs. Santa Claus. Seriously, though, this is one of those movies that I watch all the time, because story takes the traditional tale of doubting a fable, and turns it into a unifying moment of belief in the unbelievable. Edmund Gwenn plays Kris Kringle, which is a far differing role than his usual Hitchcock appearances, and he plays him with the exact lightness and kindness that the role calls for. It’s just an overall great classic film. The only way it could have been better is if John Payne was replaced by Gregory Peck. Even then, it could only be a mild improvement, because Payne’s performance is noteworthy in itself. Alright, I’m done gushing. Let’s move on to some ‘toons.

The Year Without a Santa Clause

Ever notice Heat Miser was significantly more of a douche than Snow Miser?

Alright, here we go. Another classic to me (and countless others), but for different reasons. See, a lot of people view this movie as a unique story of sharing, togetherness, and all that crap. But there are so many movies out there like that, even before this came out. Here’s what makes it unique – evil, douchebaggy, temperature-sensitive characters. Holy hell, talk about out-of-fucking nowhere script-writing. Why is Santa associated with a man who is obviously Beelzebub, another man who acts like a creepy, frozen, touchy uncle, and a mother who is so apathetic on her extreme children? I’ll tell you why – because Santa is going through a major withdrawal, and needs Jingle Bells and Jangle Bells (…seriously…ha) to do all the heavy lifting for him. But it’s cool, because they can enlist the help of Ignatius Thistlewhistle (again…ha) and his immense gap tooth. Oh man. Yeah. Time to break back out the wine and tissues.

Elf

EVERYONE LOOK! HE’S IN A TINY CHAIR! IT’S HYSTERICAL! WILL FERRELL KNOWS COMEDY!

Of all the holiday movies ever created, Elf is the movie that has garnered the most split reactions between everyone I know. Half of the people that bring up Elf either follow it up with quotes on the entire movie with vigor, and the other half would rather watch the entire life cycle of a cicada. As for me, I enjoy it for what it is – a comedy featuring Will Ferrell acting like a child, and attempting to live a normal life in the big city. It’s like a holiday version of Jungle 2 Jungle. I’m okay with that. Is it my favorite holiday movie? Nope. Is it one that I’ll end up stopping on when switching through the channels? Usually. Do I blame it for the simultaneous rise and fall of comedic genius, Will Ferrell? Most definitely.

Die Hard

The most badass way to send a message? Put a Santa hat on a corpse and write a message in blood. And somehow still be a good guy.

Yippee-kay-ay. A movie that has Bruce Willis literally jumping off a 40-story building into a window, where he proceeds to step on glass and, presumably, gross German bacteria? Sign me up. This is a holiday movie that can be watched year-round, just because the holiday theme is severely underplayed. That is, until you get to the scene where the dead thug in the elevator is wearing a Santa hat, and wearing a sweatshirt with blood writing, saying “Now I have a machine gun – Ho Ho Ho.” Bad. Ass. BADASS. Basically, Bruce Willis blows up the Nakatomi Plaza, to prevent Hans “Snape” Gruber from stealing a shit-ton of money with his crack team of Germans and token black guy. There’s a scene where a cocky bastard gets shot in the face for being a cocky bastard. Oh, and Alan Rickman’s American accent is worth looking past the super annoying limo driver.

Home Alone 2

WHY DOES KEVIN GET SO MANY GODDAMN SUNDAE CHOICES, IT’S NOT FAIR.

I have a love-hate relationship with the Home Alone series. I love it, because I love seeing Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern in never-ending pain. Don’t ask me why, I just…enjoy it…probably because anyone who calls themselves the “Wet Bandits” deserves to be hit in the balls by a paint can. But I also hate it, because Macauley Culkin is such a snobby little shit, and I always secretly hoped that he got his ass whooped. In any case, Home Alone 2 has two of the most amazing scenes in any holiday movies. The first is when Kevin gets the hotel suite, and is exposed to the “sweetest” (pun frigging intended) room ever. Candy and cookies in the fridge, a big-ass sundae bar delivered RIGHT TO HIS BED? Yeah. I’ll take it. The second scene is when he walks through Duncan’s Toy Chest, and it’s a winter goddamn wonderland. It was everything I imagined Santa’s workshop to be, and it was glorious. I’ve yet to come across something even remotely similar to this level of awesome in a toy store. Then again, the only toy stores I really see nowadays are those Smart Toy stores…and those absolutely suck. I get it, learning’s important. But when you make your store the aesthetic equivalent of a Valium, you deserve low sales.

 

…TO BE CONTINUED…one more time, I guess…you know…make it a 3-parter….

“Shitter’s Full”: My Favorite Holiday Movie Traditions Pt. 1

‘Tis the season to gather the family ’round the roaring fire, pile the Santa plate with homemade cookies, and warm up a mug of decadent hot chocolate.  Or, if you’re like me, and currently unemployed and living in an apartment without a fireplace, you can settle for a bottle of cheap white wine and raw cookie dough.

That red-hatted bastard doesn’t know what’s coming…and apparently I’m also preparing to weep.

Yes, Christmas brings out the best and worst in me. I have a level of holiday cheer that I share with loved ones, and a fat-sack-of-crap waits inside of me to plant myself in front of the TV. And every year, I have a mental list of movies I have to watch leading up to Christmas Day. I figured I’d share them with you. The Internet. Because everything is sacred on the Internet.

HOLIDAY MOVIES I HAVE TO WATCH OR ELSE THE HOLIDAYS NEVER HAPPEN FOR ME

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

At this point, an electrified Chevy Chase would be an improvement.

As the title of the post indicates, this one is my immediate go-to film to start my holiday season. It’s the quintessential classic tale of a family preparing their home for the guests from Hell. With a ridiculously talented cast including E.G. Marshall, Juliette Lewis, and Doris Roberts, it’s hard to find any downside. Also, it’s just nice to see Randy Quaid getting work. The poor lunatic only really has Kingpin and Independence Day to help out his acting career, unless you want to count the “much anticipated” sequel to Christmas Vacation. 

Take a moment and think about how a team of writers met to discuss the storyboard for this.

Santa’s Slay

Wrestling-great Bill Goldberg plays himself with a beard and an icicle. That’s all I needed to hear.

When someone told me this movie existed a few years ago, I’ll admit – I was a little skeptical. Not skeptical to whether or not the movie would be good. It’s a movie about a rampaging, murdering Santa Claus, so it was going to be goddamn amazing regardless. I was skeptical as to how ANY casting agency would be able to land all-star actor Bill Goldberg in his prime. You know. His prime, being the mid-2000’s. Every Goldberg performance is an Oscar performance. Also, Emilie de Ravin out of left fucking field, playing a supporting role with an American accent! Good for you, Emilie. Good to see you taking a quick break from your Emmy-winning show to do brilliant side projects.

It’s A Wonderful Life

Mr. Potter is the best Christmas douchebag of all time. #occupybedfordfalls

GOOD MORNING, BEDFORD FALLS. HERE COMES JIMMY STEWART YELLING AT STREET SIGNS AND TALKING TO GHOSTS. In all seriousness, this is pretty much known as the greatest Christmas film of all time. Frank Capra created a masterpiece story of what-ifs, thankfulness, and an immense distaste for corporatocracy. A guardian angel reminds Stewart that the lives of his loved ones are doomed to…well…just…sort of exist, I guess…which makes Stewart pissed off and want to challenge Potter to a lightsaber fight. Alright, to be honest, I never watched the last 15 minutes.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

That Finnish kid’s face is a train wreck…and I can’t look away…

This one was a surprising addition to the list, seeing as how I just watched it for the first time yesterday, but I felt like it was worth mentioning. Rare Exports is a new take on the “Christmas Horror” genre, by having Santa Claus dug up like a horrifying Encino Man, hellbent on the destruction of mankind and children theft. Throw in some evil elves, and the Finnish equivalent of the Duck Dynasty crew, and you have an interesting movie to add to your instant queue.

Scrooged

Bill Murray plays Bill Murray in “Bill Murray’s Christmas Special”

I’m in agreement with pretty much the rest of the internet – Bill Murray is a genius, and deserves every paycheck he’s ever earned. This is especially the case with the Christmas Carol revamp, Scrooged, where Murray plays a television executive putting on a somewhat-watered-down live showing of the actual Christmas Carol. Visited by the always hysterical Carol Kane, David Johansen (who looks shockingly like Benicio del Toro), and the irrelevant actor playing the Future ghost, Murray revisits his old relationships with his family, friends, and former lover. There’s also the horrifying scene where Jamie Farr takes Murray by the neck and holds him outside his office window, and it still makes me super nervous.

The Christmas Toy

All I wanted for Christmas was that tiger puppet. God damn you, Jim Henson, for these beautiful characters.

Even though this was a made-for-TV movie, it makes my list of must-watch holiday favorites every year. This story is about anthropomorphic toys who hide their living ability from the kids who own them. They’re not allowed to come to life when their owners are around, or else they’re frozen in place forever. And the overarching plot is Rugby the Tiger wants to be the favorite toy this year, but accidentally unleashes Meteora, the alien queen toy, who doesn’t know she’s a toy. Okay. I absolutely butchered the description of this movie. All you need to know is that it was nominated for an Emmy, it’s a Muppet production, and it’s so goddamn good. Also, the stuffed mouse is adorable. I don’t know what else to say. Go watch it? Yeah. Go watch it. Do it.

TO BE CONTINUED…later.

A Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

Hey, man. It’s been a long time since we talked. How are ya?

Listen, I’m not sure what I did back when I was a kid to make you stop swinging by the house each Christmas, but we’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I used to stay up late the night before, reading the same copies of The Berenstein Bears, listening to my Queen’s Greatest Hits tape, waiting for that familiar THUNK! on the rooftop. But when I got older, and wiser, the sound stopped coming. And the Christmas tree had just a little less each time.

That’s bullshit, dude. What the fuck did I do? Peanut butter cookies not matching your expectations anymore?

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out back there. That was rude, and inconsiderate. Because I know you never meant to fucking abandon stop coming without saying goodbye. So, I figured, maybe this year, you can consider paying the ol’ Norris household a visit. For old times sakes. And while you’re out, I could use a handful of things:

1) $500 cash/money order/PayPal

I hate to treat the very first present on my list like it’s the go-to Christmas gift from the drunk uncle, but desperate times call for desperate sadness. $500 will really help me out over the next few weeks. See, I just realized that there were a couple of loan payments coming up soon, and I’d really like my intro into the new year to have less meetings with collections officers and Italian dudes holding bats.

2) A brand new car

Let’s be honest. You’ve been gone for over 10 years now, that should equate close to at least a used 2008 Mazda. I’m currently working with a 2004 Ford Crown Victoria, with doors that can’t lock, and brakes that are questionable when going downhill. At this point, a new car would be an investment on my safety, as well as everyone’s within a 50 ft. radius of me.

3) Solve World Hunger

Come on, dude. Share some of those cookies with the rest of us. Speaking of which…

4) Queasy Bake Oven

I’ve always wanted this bad boy, ever since I was a fat kid obsessed with chocolate. First off, the commercial had a greasy, obese chef, covered in food stains and crack. He bursts into a fancy restaurant with chocolate hockey pucks and a plastic hotbox. Then he unloads that sweet secret recipe – something that makes your mouth change into a vomit-shade of green. It caps off with parents being absolutely revolted and passing out into a plate of cheese sauce. 

Yeah. Bring an extra lightbulb. Heisenberg’s got some cookin’ to do.

5) A new cover letter

The cheapest thing on the list. Get your smartest elf (preferably one that has a degree), lock him in one of your workshops, and don’t let him come out until he produces some goddamn results. I have great difficulty writing 2-3 paragraphs about my skills, and why I’d be a great fit at any company. But if one of your little green demons can whip up something, without mentioning clichés like “a hard-working, goal-oriented person” or “flexible on the salary amount,” I’d be pretty much eternally grateful. If you can’t make it work…I guess you can tack on another $500.

 

That’s it. Don’t think of this letter as a major guilt trip for all those lonely Christmas morns. You’ll always be higher on my nice list than 95% of my closest friends.

Love always,
Steve

P.S. My apartment doesn’t have a chimney, so just burst through my sliding doors like the Kool Aid man drunk with power.

Fever-Induced Daydreams

Have you ever went to bed with a stuffed nose, and had a semi-irrational fear of not waking up the next day from suffocation on your own snot?

Yeah, that’s the circle of hell that’s been the past few weeks for me. I’m a pathetic person when I’m sick. I find myself laying on the couch in the same pajamas I’ve worn for the past 3 days, covered in blankets and half-used tissues, watching reruns of Chuck (also known as Yvonne Strahovski in Slow Motion Shots with 80’s Music) on Netflix, and wondering why everything tastes like copper and sadness.

Whenever I get feverish, I spend a lot of my time just daydreaming. Keeping the mind distracted from my inability to breathe, the feeling that my brain is being flattened by an Indiana Jones trap, and the never-ending attempt to get myself to finally sneeze. I like to think about the impossible.

And then I thought to myself, what if the world were made of sitcom scenarios, action stories, and tragic endings? Where would my placement be in the grand story of life then? Would an orchestra support my walks to Walgreen’s to get those extra tissues? Would I need to tap into my inner battle mode and unleash a furious hell onto thugs and minions, charging at me from every direction?

Will I marry a damsel in distress, or that badass chick from the block? Will I marry at all?

My life changed for a brief moment, because I envisioned a reality beyond the possible. Beyond the inevitable. I saw myself as a character in the greatest action-comedy-drama-thriller. The supporting cast providing the guiding the light to the credits. Everything was scripted beautifully. The audience would be breathless. Everyone got the recognition they deserved for making the perfect ending.

Maybe I just got done saving the life of the Pope, or maybe I’m heading to dinner with a loving family who possess a dark secret. Maybe something happened that felt tragic to myself at the time, but turned out to be something I could look back on and laugh ’til my heart stopped.

And then the Nyquil wore off. And then I started applying to more jobs.